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Pretty Prose and Poetry. by AWdeV


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Submitted on
September 18, 2008
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What a deal!
Hello everybody! Bob here, and have I got a deal for you! What if I told you there is a religion which gives you unshakeable confidence in your own righteousness? Now you might say, “That sounds too good to be true,” but I’m here to let you know that it IS true! This religion beats all the others hands down.

Just look at how great this religion is:

- Want to hate those who are labelled by a difference of tradition? It’s okay.
- Want to toss logic happily out of the window? It’s okay.
- Want to believe you’re so special that God pointed YOU to the truth but not others? It’s okay.
- Want to threaten adults and little children with the eternal and unquenchable fires of hell? It’s okay.
-  Want to believe that Socrates and Cicero shall perish while wicked, vicious people like me inherit eternal life? It’s okay.

This religion forces others into respecting your right to think in your own terms, but YOU don’t have to respect THEIR right to think in their own terms, oh no, and if they CONTRADICT you, then you get to say that they’re PERSECUTING you!! With this religion, everybody else has to buy into a weird respect which uniquely protects YOU from criticism! Isn’t that great! It’s guaranteed to be your perfect one-size-fits-all belief.

Now you’ve got to be asking, “What’s this great religion called and how do I get in?” Well, friends, this great religion is called “Christian Fundamentalism”. Let me tell you a bit more about it.

We Christian Fundamentalists believe that God made us in one day -- the reason why I’ve got webbed toes is because he rushed it (not surprising, though, is it?). We also believe that the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are three AND one, because we never did learn to count.

One of the greatest benefits of Christian Fundamentalism is that it permits you to believe and preach anything you want, no matter how wicked -- AS LONG AS IT ISN’T LOGICAL! If it’s logical, then you can’t have faith in it, and therefore it’s false and evil. The theory of evolution is logical, therefore you can’t have faith in it, and therefore it’s false and evil.

We Christian Fundamentalists are boring, closed-minded, and intolerant of everything (and I for one refuse to stand for it!!). We want everybody to be as dreary and bleak as we are.

But as if I haven’t given you ENOUGH reasons to be a Christian Fundamentalist already, the best is yet to come!! Undeniably, the best thing about this religion is that there’s a loving and understanding tyrant in the sky who demands your love or you’ll burn forever and ever!! IT DOESN’T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE, BECAUSE WE’RE RIGHT AND EVERYBODY ELSE IS WRONG!!!

So what are you waiting for? Become a Christian Fundamentalist today and start spreading some hate!

It's easy, would I lie to you?
The majority of people who have found this deviation seem to have discovered it through the Encyclopedia Dramatica: [link]

This deviation is a parody of this: [link]
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:iconceilonn:
ceilonn Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2010  Student Filmographer
Brilliant!
Reply
:iconvulpa:
Vulpa Featured By Owner Oct 24, 2009
Yep, ED sent me here :]

Fabulous job <3
Reply
:iconsamonmars:
samonmars Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2009
epic win.
Reply
:iconthe-leander:
the-Leander Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2009  Hobbyist Digital Artist
XD This is great. Very amusing read. A+ parody.
Reply
:iconcrooked-straightline:
crooked-straightline Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2009
Excellent lampoon of RejectedDream's hateful brand of idiocy. a definite fav
Reply
:icontregnier2795:
TRegnier2795 Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2009
Love it! I'm surprised Rejectedreams hasn't been over here being a douche bag.
Reply
:iconaxel-comics:
Axel-Comics Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2009  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Very nice.If I didn't know this was a satire I would have mistaken you for a genuine fundie :P
Reply
:iconkexllxy:
kexllxy Featured By Owner Jun 25, 2009
awesome
great to find fellow free thinkers here
Reply
:iconaintn0body:
aintn0body Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2009
But... if God rushed the job when he made you, doesn't that bring his infallibility into question?

In all seriousness though, excellent snark.
Reply
:icontheboredintellectual:
TheBoredIntellectual Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2009   Digital Artist
Snark?
Reply
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