What a deal!
Hello everybody! Bob here, and have I got a deal for you! What if I told you there is a religion which gives you unshakeable confidence in your own righteousness? Now you might say, “That sounds too good to be true,” but I’m here to let you know that it IS true! This religion beats all the others hands down.

Just look at how great this religion is:

- Want to hate those who are labelled by a difference of tradition? It’s okay.
- Want to toss logic happily out of the window? It’s okay.
- Want to believe you’re so special that God pointed YOU to the truth but not others? It’s okay.
- Want to threaten adults and little children with the eternal and unquenchable fires of hell? It’s okay.
-  Want to believe that Socrates and Cicero shall perish while wicked, vicious people like me inherit eternal life? It’s okay.

This religion forces others into respecting your right to think in your own terms, but YOU don’t have to respect THEIR right to think in their own terms, oh no, and if they CONTRADICT you, then you get to say that they’re PERSECUTING you!! With this religion, everybody else has to buy into a weird respect which uniquely protects YOU from criticism! Isn’t that great! It’s guaranteed to be your perfect one-size-fits-all belief.

Now you’ve got to be asking, “What’s this great religion called and how do I get in?” Well, friends, this great religion is called “Christian Fundamentalism”. Let me tell you a bit more about it.

We Christian Fundamentalists believe that God made us in one day -- the reason why I’ve got webbed toes is because he rushed it (not surprising, though, is it?). We also believe that the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are three AND one, because we never did learn to count.

One of the greatest benefits of Christian Fundamentalism is that it permits you to believe and preach anything you want, no matter how wicked -- AS LONG AS IT ISN’T LOGICAL! If it’s logical, then you can’t have faith in it, and therefore it’s false and evil. The theory of evolution is logical, therefore you can’t have faith in it, and therefore it’s false and evil.

We Christian Fundamentalists are boring, closed-minded, and intolerant of everything (and I for one refuse to stand for it!!). We want everybody to be as dreary and bleak as we are.

But as if I haven’t given you ENOUGH reasons to be a Christian Fundamentalist already, the best is yet to come!! Undeniably, the best thing about this religion is that there’s a loving and understanding tyrant in the sky who demands your love or you’ll burn forever and ever!! IT DOESN’T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE, BECAUSE WE’RE RIGHT AND EVERYBODY ELSE IS WRONG!!!

So what are you waiting for? Become a Christian Fundamentalist today and start spreading some hate!

It's easy, would I lie to you?